Thursday, August 7, 2014

Looking Fear in the Eyes

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look at fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Guns. A controversial topic to be sure. Although not in my family. In rural VA youre more out of the ordinary if you dont enjoy the occasional recreational gathering to try out each others favorite weapons shooting at paper or cans or satellite dishes (Whatever it is my dad has decided to rig up with a target this go around). My husband is the same way. His mother bought him a gift certificate to the gun range for Christmas, he talks about all the other guns he wants to buy all the time. At least monthly he stops into the local gun shops to chat with the people working there. He currently has 2- a hand gun (.40) and a  shotgun. But of course he says he needs a rifle, and a smaller hand gun that he can use for CHP (concealed carry) and im sure hell find a few more before were said and done.
So you can imgaine- the fact that Im not interested in guns hasnt gone over well. Its ranged from well meaning- "do you want to try?" to trying to shame me into it with "well why the hell not". But since 2010 its really taken a back seat. No one in my family has questioned me about guns- them knowing I had two of them held to my head kinda makes it an issue thats off the table for discussion.
Except when it comes to my husband. Not only does he bring it up regularly- but he then decides its his duty to explain to me why I need to do it and why I cant let my fears hold me back and why my fears are irrational anyway. He even tried to say maybe it wouldnt have happened if I'd had a gun myself- which I call BS on. When he goes to the gun shop he always comes home with a new description of another gun which would be perfect for me. Im feeling very pressured.

This is his most recent selection- A Bursa. Made in Argentina and used by police there. Very lightweight and small without looking ridiculously small so he thinks it would be perfect for me because of the weight and minimal recoil.

But weight and recoil are the least of my issues. Im still working on trying to hold a gun without my hands shaking terribly from terror. I dont think im ready to fire one. But he's insisting I need to take this step soon. And as much as I can tell him he doesnt understand and I need more time, to some degree I know he's right. This is the obvious next step to getting over my past trauma.

I guess I just need to kick myself in the butt and do it.

I have lived through the horror, I am strong enough to take whatever may come next, and I must do what I think I cannot. (Now I just have to figure out how.... strength of will?? great- im a wimp.)

Thanks Ellie (*sarcasm) looks like I have no excuse now. Damn-it.