Friday, October 19, 2012

How do you know when its time to Bolt!?

Youre walking gingerly across a road, minding your own business, getting from one place to another when all of a sudden headlights come from around the bend.
Things go wrong quickly, theres danger hurtling towards you and you cant do anything but panic and freeze, caught as a deer in the headlights.

How does your brain know when its time to reengage and get you out of a deadly situation? How do you know when to bolt to the safety of the other side? Or do you tuck tail and run back to whats familiar- even if its not safe either?

Im caught in that frozen state at work. I don't know what to do.

I have absolutely no coverage on my salary from the government to our contractor at the moment. Not only that, but the woman I was working for last year isn't sure how she's going to pay my boss for the time I've already put into her project. And money in the center is tight.
My boss keeps reassuring me- ill still get paid, the center is going to work something out to find me coverage.

Of course- me being miss negative nelly I start panicking.
-What if he cant find me coverage, am i gonna lose my job, or not get paid, or only get paid part of my salary cause I'm only partially covered? Or is he going to take money out of my profit share to pay me?
-Is this because people don't have a lot of funding right now, or does no one want me to work for them? Are they going to find me funding by pushing me onto someone who doesn't want me and then we have an antagonistic work environment?
-What about the government? We have no idea whats going to be cut by either administration depending on who gets elected. Or if they decide to let the time elapse and the sequester occur which could put hundreds of thousands of government works out of a job.-- Which would completely destroy the idea of finding something new- new employees always get cut first.

My boss has always been there for me, personally and professionally. He's said a few unkind things before, but everyone does that once and again and he's done everything he can for me at work, raves about what a good job i've done and sincerely does not want me to leave. And he prides himself on never having to lay off an employee due to funding issues. So do I trust him that things will work out? Or is there a first time for everything?

I'm so frightened at this point. I'm the deer in the headlights- frozen with fear. Fear that if I stay that one day my boss will tell me- sorry I've done all I can but we cant fund you. Fear that I find a terrific new job and it gets taken out in the government budget cuts.

Do I bolt or do I retreat?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Change of Direction

The boyfriend came to visit weekend before last. It was a nice relaxing time, although we didnt get nearly enough time for just ourselves as I would have liked- but considering how rarely he comes home (this is only the second time this year), I understand that I have to make time for his family and friends as well (sometimes begrudgingly). He is talking about coming home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas though which is very exciting!!- since weve only had New years and Labor day together- no other major holidays or each others birthdays have been spent in the same locale.

The shock of the weekend however came that Sunday morning after church. We went to talk to a couple of his friends and family friends and I heard him telling them over and over again that he was pretty certain that he'd be moving back to Virginia sometime this spring.....

Wait- What!? well that's news to me! Talking to my mother last night on the phone I found out that apparently he gave my father the same impression- that he'd be moving back to VA in the not too distant future. The most he and I had talked about it though was that- if things didnt work out with his current job being able to pay him more then he would look for another job in MI if id found a job out there and he would look around VA as well, and that our long-term goal (meaning 10+ years) was to get back here. Now he's talking about possibly 6 months from now- which is directly in with the timeline he gave his boss.

Then of course last night we had the inevitable conversation- I really really really dont want to move to Michigan. And I had a guy email me about a job out there- but its 2.5 hours away from him. I didnt think it was worth looking into, he did, we didnt argue per se, but the conversation was very direct- and I told him I didnt want to move out there, and knowing that hes been thinking more and more about moving here (where we both really want to be anyway), that I want to give up looking there. He had somehow come to the conclusion that I hate my job- which I dont, I hate what im working on at the moment, but I like my job- of course the notion that I didnt made him question why I wanted to stay here. Long story short. Hes going to talk to his priest and his boss about looking for work and moving back to VA!
All at once I'm excited and feel bad about putting all the pressure on him. I want him here, and I know its what he wants as well, but I feel guilty that I'm the reason he's leaving a job that he loves. (A job that he loves but doesnt pay him enough to even live off- much less help take care of a family-being a huge caveat though).

It is what's best for us, and I know well be happier in VA than we ever could have been in MI. Were just not Northern people. And our families are both here. So were changing direction. Headed home to 'ol Virginia, and when I reach my 6 year anniversary at work in June I will revisit my current employment and figure out whats best for me in relation to where we want to live based on where he finds a job. I feel guilty about it- but I can't say Im not relieved.