Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Conflicted

Ive been offered a job at the University of Michigan.

BUT. Its at a huge (11K) pay cut. Granted the cost of living is lower out there and the offer is more than I need to maintain my current standard of living.

BUT. My boss says its a big mistake in terms of my career. (WTF why didn't he tell me this when I told him about the interview in the first place!?). On the other hand- its exactly what I want and need in terms of my future- my relationship- which is much more important to me than a job.

BUT. Im told doing research in academia is going to make it harder for me to find jobs outside of that avenue in the future and especially in Michigan where theres not a lot of biotech to begin with. However- the boyfriend and I have been over this many times, we want him to be able to continue his job for as long as is monetarily possible for us as a family.

BUT. Im not sure I want to do this type of research (or any for that matter) for more than a year or two- I like changing projects every few years. I could do it for a couple years and then find something new though.

AND. Im scared to death that nothing else is going to come along thats better for my career in that area and were going to be stuck doing the long-distance thing more long-term. And that he's going to blame me for it if I don't take this job which is perfectly acceptable other than feeling like I'm getting kicked in the gut by taking such a massive pay cut.

Its being portrayed by bother sides (Boyfriend-Relationship/ Boss-Career (whats most important)) as Black or White. I want a career or to be a house-wife, Im sacrificing my relationship because the job isn't right or I'm sacrificing my career for a relationship that I 'think' is right.
I also feel like I'm being talked down to. My boss kept saying things like 'Ive been there through many relationships and thought I was in Love or Lust and would have crawled across glass to be with that person/ you can't sacrifice your career for a boy'. He doesn't understand that I've been there too- Ive had the very fast very hot relationships where I 'knew I was in love that just as quickly fizzled out, Ive had the flings and Ive had the bad relationships that I clung to even though I was being emotionally degraded. I know the difference between all of those and what I have now. The boyfriend on the other hand keeps up the mantra about "you have to figure out what is the most important and let that take precedence which may be at neglect of the other/ we don't have to be rich to be happy". Well thats all well and good- but I don't want to create conflict between us because I'm unhappy about sacrificing my job even though our relationship is technically more important, and I don't want to disadvantage us on the monetary front by taking such huge pay cut either. Money isn't everything- but it sure does destroy a lot of relationships.

What happened to all of those colors between Black and White. (at the risk of sounding like an absolute raging bitch feminist) What ever happened to being able to have a family and a job. Thats what I want. The career that is right for me and will allow me to have and be intimately involved in every aspect of my family's life.
The long-distance thing is really dragging me down, I miss him and am unhappy being so far away from him all the time. I have no motivation for work or even to take care of myself beyond the minimum- I'm sleeping poorly, eating poorly and do nothing to stimulate myself mentally. BUT I don't want to take a job just to be near him if its going to be wrong for me, if its going to make me unhappy.

Unfortunately the money issue and the fear from thinking its a bad career move has been paralyzing to me from actually being able to consider if the job itself is a good fit and would make me happy beyond the relationship aspect. And neither party is being objective about it either way.