Monday, April 2, 2012

Conflicting Feelings

Im so happy its finally April! My 28th birthday is in 11 days, the boyfriend's 29th is in 22 days and he comes home to visit for my cousin's wedding festivities and a week of vacation in 32 days! So Many Countdowns!!

So over the past month/month & a half, we've had a lot of very serious conversations- like where our relationship is headed, religious ideals kinda serious. And last night thanks to a boost of confidence from some Jameson he finally admitted he's falling in Love with me, and has kinda been tossing these feelings around in his head for about a month or so (serious conversations coincidence- doubtful lol).
Can I just say Thank Goodness! Seriously Ive been feeling the same way over the same time period and was just worried about saying something too soon into our relationship. But now its out there, and I couldn't be happier! (yes i kinda cried a little haha).

Also not a coincidence... Ive been considering the inevitable move to Michigan. I cannot wait to see him regularly and just be together like a normal couple, I have no qualms or worries about moving to another state for a boy, because he's not just some boy. I have never felt so safe, so appreciated or so adored by a man other than my Father ever before.

I am however Terrified of:
1. Detroit- A city in the top 25 of most dangerous in the US (compared with DC which I'm petrified of and that doesn't even make the list). I worry about home invasions (again with my jumping to the worst possible scenario)- especially if I was living by myself. He says he's not crazy about the fact that I live with a guy, but I do feel like having a male roommate helps make me feel somewhat safer when I go to bed at night.
2. People- not of them, but meeting new people, making new friends, having friends of my own outside of the people I have met through him. A lot of times I don't feel like I have a close connection with that many people here around DC and I know plenty, Im worried that might be exaggerated by moving to a new place.

and maybe most importantly
3. Job(S)- What if I cannot find a job out there!? Obviously I wouldn't dream of moving til I already had something figured out, but what if I can't find a job? The job market is bad enough everywhere else, with Michigan in a much worse economic state than many other places, I fear that will also contribute negatively. Im also terrified of the idea of settling for a crappy job that I'm either not interested in, or underpaid for just because I can't take the distance anymore. (It is so so hard being so far away from him). Ive only found one job that really interested me and I was pretty well qualified for at this point. (In Ann Arbor- not Detroit which alleviates that worry if I were to work there instead)
I also worry about the state I'd potentially be leaving my current job in. Theres some weird political stuff going on behind the scenes in our center, and while I cannot wait to leave that behind (Because as my boss fully admits I've been pretty much abused by the people at this place over the past 5 years- not my company but the federal clients we work with) I worry about the destabilizing effect that might have on my company's position within the center, and the company in general (Wow I feel very self-centered saying that- but everyone who knows me and what I do at work will admit its completely true). I worry about making sure to stay on great terms with my boss- he's an amazing reference for me, and someone who's shown nothing but confidence in my abilities and been there for me over and over again.-- He's worried about me rushing into things and moving for a boy, and the benefits out company has that id be losing... I know he's just saying these things because he doesn't want to lose his employee, but when he mentioned about the job thing and the benefits, thats what hit me.

So its been an emotional roller coaster. I had a bit of a freak out this afternoon after the discussion with my boss. But even though its scary, I just know things will work out with all of my worries. I know I will find a job that I can excel at, that my boss will support what he knows will make me happy, and that I will have my boyfriend there for me every step of the way.

(I thought talking to my boss was hard... the really difficult part will be having the same talk with my parents!)

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