Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Ready. Set. Jump to the worst possible conclusion

Its 1:30am on January 2nd. Youre asleep in a hotel room in a strange city when a couple of doors being slammed wakes you up and is quickly followed by a multitude of loud shuffling and banging.

Conclusion you might make based on those clues- Drunks just home from another night of New Years celebrations, a couple in an argument, an after party or post wedding reception party...

First conclusion I jump to. Someone just broke into the room next door, is rifling through those peoples things and stealing whatever they can... This is Detroit- theres alot of crime here since the city is in a major decline economically and since im next door im probably next.

And so begins 3 hours of laying awake in complete Terror... and praying.

Ive never been a religious person, although I do pray when things are at their worst- the please let this horror pass me by, please let me get through this (please let that idiot that cut me off get what they deserve lol).

Nothing happened that night... well other than making me very jumpy all morning (pretty much until I got out of that hotel) and making me exhausted and emotional for my last day in the city (not a great combination considering the circumstances).

See I was there visiting a guy. A man who ive spent over a day and a half worth of time on the phone with and sent over 1600 text messages with in just over a month. A man who makes me rethink the way I am and should be living my life. A man who is incredibly conservative and immensely religious.... A man who makes me incredibly happy whenever I talk to him (or spend time with him- which of course considering hes in Detroit and im in DC is not very often) BUT who I cannot be with (except as only a friend of course) unless I rethink my opinions on some things and decide for myself that I want to uphold the same values that he has.

Can I do that!? Do I even want to!? (I know its not supposed to be based on wants, but instead on an educated decision about the ideals and why they should be upheld) Still the question remains.
On one hand I can see myself being a religious person, believing in God, praying, holding marriage as a sacred pact (even maybe waiting to have sex with that one person until I am married to them), raising the children I want to have someday, to have morals and logic.
On the other hand... can I possibly be ok with the idea of no birth control when the world is increasingly over populated by the undereducated. The loss of a womans right to choose what to do with her own body when families and society are being torn apart by children born to teenagers, and to parents out of wedlock. The restrictions on scientific progress- what has been my academic and professional drive in life- in stem cells or genetic engineering that might be medical breakthroughs because it is "tampering with the will of God". And even the worry that despite not doing it for him, I will rearrange my entire thought process on almost every issue, but there will just the one that I cannot agree with and although I will have gained a huge sense of purpose, I may lose myself as I know it and still not be acceptable to this man. Risking everything for no gain.

Maybe its because I was there visiting this man that these two thought processes have become synonymous in my head, but it makes me wonder if religion could possibly be a key to my recovery from my past trauma. It is said that God will test his followers, but he will never give them more pain and suffering than they can take. some make the case that this event I went through is a sign of His ultimate trust and faith in me to survive in moral fashion, to get through it and become even stronger than I was before... Its a two way street though as it also makes me wonder why I would need to be tested. Everyone has things in their past the are not proud of. Is this a test to see if I am stronger now than I once was when I made those past bad decisions!? Can't that also be considered a punishment in some ways, and if God is supposed to be all forgiving (for that is why he gave his son to the people- to forgive them of their sins) why should I be punished? Because I have not yet admitted my complete belief in the whole system? Because I had not outright asked for forgiveness? Is this an almighty way of pushing people towards religious faith?
and most importantly, what does it mean for my life? A path towards understanding and recovery from this tragedy towards a true and fulfilling happy ending in every sense... or an overwhelming sense of loss and disappointment because it changes nothing or even resentment because it changes everything.

PS Happy New Year!! a friend of mine posted this on fb the other day and I thought it was the best way to express the new year. May your best day of last year be your worst day of this one.

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